Couldn’t get Hugh Jackman to host this. Sorry I’m not sorry.
I actually had an opening monologue prepared but I used all the good jokes on the 3rd verse of “Monsters.”
Much like MTV, I give out an award for a video that you have never seen me air. The winner for Video of The Year goes to The Bus Driver Uppercut!!! Congratulations, let’s hope someone actually did end up goin’ to jail after that.
And now the Viewer’s Choice Award goes to…LMAO!!!!!! You didn’t really think there was a Viewer’s Choice Award, did you?????? C’mon, you know me better than that.
The award for Song of The Year goes to Gotye for his hit single, “I’m Sorry, Greg, But She’s Got A Boyfriend Now. In Fact, It’s Somebody That She Used to Know.” Man, I love that song. Congrats, you stupid Aussie.
I didn’t bother to check if Drake and Chris Brown were sitting next to each other. Let’s hope this doesn’t turn into The Source Awards.
The Melissa Memorial Cup Award is presented to the woman whom I’ve focused the most attention on in the past year. This year’s winner by a landslide is Laura Weezey!!!!! Unfortunately Laura couldn’t be here to accept this award, I think she’s out on a date…
Josh Hamilton was GOING to win the Red Sox Player of The Year Award but…
And now for our next award, MILF of The Year ,we go to the judges’ score card for a decision…all three judges score this award 29-28 for your winner by unanimous decision, and STILL MILF of The Year, METAL PAM!!! Congratulations.
That’s one of those “funny ‘cause it’s true” moments.
The Erica B. Mahoney Award is presented to the woman I will most likely be focusing my infatuation on during this upcoming year. This year’s winner is…Erica Mahoney. How ironic.
The Greggy award for Movie of The Year goes to The Hunger Games. Why?? Because Woody Harrelson looked like Triple H and Lenny Kravitz looked like a black guy. That’s why!
And now, the most competitive award of the event. This category had an unfathomable amount of nominees but there can only be one winner. And now ladies and gentleman, the winner of the Woman Most Likely to Kill Me In My Sleep Award…ELLEN!!! (Ellen has also won the awards for Comeback of The Year, Best Actress, and Best Editing in a Short Film for her work on “Greg & Ellen: A Love Story”) Congratulations. I promise to sleep with one eye open.
The award for Best Comedic Performance goes to Mark Sanchez for his portrayal of an NFL quarterback. Rob Schneider himself couldn’t have played this role any better.
Is there any doubt that the Butt Fumble is the most lasting sports memory of the year?? I mean seriously, he ran into a man’s ass.
The Greggy award for Best New Artist would’ve gone to Chief keef…but man, oh man has Trinidad James changed that. Wooooooo!!!!!!!
The award for Feud of The Year is presented to the rivalry that has kept us all in suspended terror all year. This year’s winner for Feud of The Year is Greatness vs. The Curse. It is now clear to me that only Tom Brady can defeat this Curse. And if not, may God have mercy on us all.
The Mike Campbell Award is presented to the white man who has maintained his lifestyle and integrity the most while simultaneously infiltrating the black community. This year’s winner is Vinny Mannering!!! Congratulations Vinny, your bucket of fried chicken should be arriving at your doorstep any day now.
Shout out to Newtown. Keep your heads up.
People you should be following on Twitter over the next year: @AntiHeroV, @ejuskew1, @lauraweezey, and @ColeyMick
People you may want to consider removing from your life altogether: @GreatnessGD
And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for…the award for Album of The Year…and your winner of the 2012 Greggy award for Album of The Year is…KENDRICK LAMAR for his amazing debut LP, The Heroin Habit!!!! Congratulations Kendrick on this amazing accomplishment and for making something so new and refreshing…and yet so very, very, very familiar all at the same time.
Well that wraps it up, folks. Thank you all for tuning in. Congratulations to all our winners. I hope you’ve had a miserable 2012 and let’s all hope the Mayans were right so we don’t have to do this again next year.
My cousin’s girlfriend came over, sat on my couch, and told me that we needed to talk about our relationship…stop me if you’ve heard this one before….
Laura and I will be in Toronto the weekend of the Georges St-Pierre vs. Carlos Condit fight. I’m sure Ellen and her Curse will have something to say about that.
50 Cent has dismantled the Money Team which, of course means I am now the leader of THE NEW MONEY TEAM!!!!! So far it’s me, Mike, Vinny, and my Sallie Mae customer rep. Anyone else wanna join?
Everyone keeps telling me that I’m different lately and that I seem very distant. The urge to do the Daniel Bryan “Yes!” chant is so hard to fight every time it comes up.
If you don’t play “November Rain” at least once on November 1st every year, regardless of weather, you’re a horrible excuse for a human being.
I got to be the ring announcer for an MMA event in New Hampshire last month. Took every ounce of control in my body to not interfere in the main event and knock out both fighters with a steel chair. But my manager The Iron McHugh told me not to.
I’d bet my life that Kevin Garnett went and egged Ray Allen’s house on Halloween.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” - Hot Cougar Nurse after I asked if she had any plans for the weekend. I responded by stuttering my way through a inconclusive answer. Well played, Greggy. Well played.
James Harden just got a huge contract. Imagine how many beard combs he can buy now.
Congratulations to the 2012 World Series Champion San Francisco Giants. Good job not being the 2012 Boston Red Sox.
Shout out to all the Instagram hoes that don’t believe in wearing clothes in any of their pictures but insist that they be spoken to like ladies. You have no idea the entertainment you provide me during my day.
So turns out a Zumba instructor in Maine was actually prostituting out of her studio. I hate to say I told you so, but remember what I told y’all about shorties from Maine?? You know, that they’re all really smart and good hearted people and all they ever wanted was to be your friend and they really love you and you mean so much to them and they really think you’re a great guy and they never meant to hurt you they just didn’t really know how much you liked them and they just don’t understand what they did wrong. But I digress…
Great Bruins game last night. Oh, wait…
“Sometimes I’d like to work for the CIA.” - Jess Urban
Taylor Swift sold 1.2 million copies of her new album in her first week. Safe to say I’m losing the war on this one.
FACT: The last girl I unfriended on Facebook was named Ashlea.
FACT: The last girl to unfriend me on Facebook was named Ashley.
FACT: I don’t believe in coincidences.
“You have terrible survival instincts. Don’t be the black guy that dies first in the movie.” - Metal Pam
I wonder how many times Kendrick Lamar has listened to The Heroin Habit.
“You get a record deal yet?” - Cousin Mike
The girl I am currently courting is asian. Either your head just exploded or you screamed the word “bullshit.” Either way, fuck y’all.
It’s funny how when I put out The Heroin Habit no one liked it. Then I put out Rehab Hero and everyone told me how awesome they thought HH was. All I ever heard was how soft and emo Rehab Hero was…well I mean until people started calling it a classic after I put out Straight Edge Superstar. Which I find ironic because no one seemed to be too impressed with my work on SES ‘til TLCEPII came out…See where I’m going with this??
“Just saw a CM Punk commercial and thought of you.” - Laura
“You are a punk.” - Ellen
Ahem!! That’s Catholic Memorial Punk to you, little lady!
I want Green Day, Weezer, Korn, Smashing Pumpkins and the Chili Peppers to all stop making new music. Enough is enough. Just let it go.
Not you though, Staind. You boys just keep on keepin’ on.
My life after finishing The Last Emperor is like the Coyote after he finally caught the Road Runner.
I feel like Melissa is to my albums what Chris Tucker was to the Friday movies. It’s just not the same. It’s just not the same.
Vinny and I are gonna record a Watch The Throne album together. The first single will be called “Niggas in West Roxbury.”
I say we set this up on pay-per-view: “The Snowman” Young Jeezy vs “The Boss” Rick Ross. Steel Cage Death Match. Loser can’t rap about coke anymore.
I wonder if Fedor would ever have a Miller Lite with me. You know, Emperor to Emperor.
Why is Eminem always yelling?
Let the record show that despite the fact that she was in the middle of a break up I made no attempt whatsoever to hook up with Metal Pam. I’m makin’ progress, people.
…and it just wouldn’t be a Greg Dor story if it didn’t end with “And then she went back to her boyfriend.”
The funny thing is I don’t actually know anyone who loves Raymond…is that suppose to be the joke??
For my next album I think I’m gonna record a bunch of songs about a girl I never actually dated and just ramble on and on about how much of a liar she is.
FACT: Any girl who has a legitimate birthday party past the age of 27 is single and will remain so for all eternity. Clock’s tickin’, bitches.
I’m considering using an online dating service to find a man to date Laura just to make sure I have something to bitch about on my next album. Don’t wanna take any chances, you know.
My mother says “Wocker” when she means “Welker.” She also says “……..owski” when she means to say “Gronkowski.” Nothin’ like watchin’ sports with Momma Dor.
My next album will be an R&B album. It will be called “Lover’s Layne.” L to the A-Y-N to the Erotic. Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
FACT: I have secretly been holding a grudge against all of my friends over the fact that none of them have ever submitted my lyrics to either Rap Genius or Songmeanings.net. Fuck y’all.
Amanda is the Miss Elizabeth to my Macho Man Randy Savage. Wonder if that makes Kerin my Sensational Sherri…?
Can you imagine what life would be like if Drew Bledsoe never got hurt?
It’s funny how social media makes you hate your friends and love strangers.
Considering he’s a rapper, I think it’s kinda funny that all the headlines Kanye ends up in more so resemble Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan rather than 2Pac and 50 Cent.
Getting Ellen and Ashlea to both be on the same song proves I’m an Emperor. Getting them both to be in the music video will prove I’m a GOD!!
I think we all know it’s just a matter of time before I start writing songs about Dina.
I plan on going through a Ziggy Stardust phase for my next album.
Congratulations to my homie Bryan Trench and his beautiful girlfriend Passion Smith on the birth of their son. #Salute
I wonder if RZA knows he’s not asian.
Chief Keef is exactly what happens when Angela Bassett doesn’t drop the child off with Laurence Fishburn. MESSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fay and I are gonna record a Best of Both Worlds album called “FayDor: The Last Emperor.”
Is this the part where I retire and become a preacher?
So Dave Grohl is credited as a writer for “Teen Spirit” and he is probably most famous for writing “Everlong.” Not sure how he sleeps at night knowing he’ll never top either of those but at least it offers me a glimmer of hope. I can now settle into a nice comfortable life of recording non-offensive mom-rock. Sweet.
FACT: If you haven’t downloaded The Last Emperor go fuck yourself and never speak to me again :)
My next album will be great. But you knew that already.
How have Christopher Walken and Samuel L. Jackson never been in a movie together??
I don’t think things are gonna work out between Laura and I. But on the bright side I’ve started working on my new album including the hits “I Miss Laura,” “Reading On Fire,” and “Drive Laura Home.”
In all seriousness, when I turn 30 I will begin production on “Greg Dor: The Movie.” I plan on playing myself. So far I’ve casted Christina Ricci as Ellen and Angela Bassett as my mom. Also, I feel Morgan Freeman should be included somehow.
I would pay any amount of money on this Earth to change my phone number to 1-900-GR8-NESS.
I liked Lupe Fiasco before he became a self-righteous, pretentious asshole.
I have enough vocals from Amanda recorded to last me at least another 12 albums. (Or, in Greg terms, two breakups.)
I’d bet my life that the scripts to both Expendables movies were written in crayon.
Can phone sex qualify as a one night stand?? ‘Cause I’m prettyyyyyyyy sure I just had the greatest one night stand of all time.
Say it ain’t so, Ocho…say it ain’t so…
FACT: I can name all 47 members of the Wu-Tang Clan.
”Money over bitches, nigga. Stick to the script.” – Mitt Romney
I have this fantasy: I’m sitting on my couch playing the brand new Fire Pro Wrestling, listening to the brand new Alice In Chains album. Metal Pam’s pale ass is dressed in lingerie feeding me grapes, whispering in my ear, “You’re the best in the world, Champ.” One day…one day…
FACT: I have danced with Mike’s mom.
FACT: I have danced with Gina’s mom.
FACT: Both are better dancers than their offspring.
I want to wait in Chris Hansen’s house one day and when he walks in ask him to explain what he’s doing there.
Kill, Marry, Fuck: Mike, Vinny, Fay…??
So let me get this straight: We’re gonna get rid of Beckett, keep Lackey, and NOT show up to Johnny Pesky’s funeral? I am now officially a Cubs fan.
Kill, Marry, Fuck: Amanda, Amy, Flo the Progressive Girl…??
Who wins a four way death match – Peter, Homer, Fred, or Hank?
I honestly think I’m the only heterosexual member of the Fire Pro Wrestling community in North America. Thank you my fellow Fire Pro-ers for welcoming me into your soft, delicate arms.
A woman I work with used the word “mystical” MULTIPLE times to describe herself. Nothing weird about that at all.
R.I.P. Chris Lighty and MCD. Gone way too soon.
Sometimes I think I’m the only person on Earth who liked the old Domino’s pizza.
I have this fantasy: I release an album called “The Last Emperor.” You download it. Laura and I live happily ever after.
See you on the 25th, bitches…
FACT: Every girl who’s ever told me “I never wanna speak to you again” is either currently speaking to me or stalking my Twitter account.
How much you wanna bet Dre doesn’t even listen to music through those stupid ass headphones?
If you were stranded on an island for the rest of your life with one person who would you choose: Flo, the Progressive Girl, Kathy Griffin, or Sarah Palin??
Drake literally writes the same three verses over and over and y’all eat that shit up. It’s either the “Girl, you should be with me despite my faults” verse, the “I love my crew and like to stunt with them” verse, or everyone’s favorite “I’m just a kid from Toronto trying to adjust to fame” verse. Fuck you, Aubrey.
I swear Instagram just brings out the inner hoe in some of you broads. Chill out.
The “Fuck You of the Month” goes to Nike for exploiting the fuck out of my name with their silly little Olympic ad campaign. Find Greatness?? How ‘bout y’all Find Greatness A Royalty Check??
Ever realize how many of my songs are about being in a car with a woman? “Side of the Road,” “Tank’s On Empty,” “Drive You Home,” “We’re In Reading,” etc…
Speaking of which, I’m afraid Laura and I might be moving too fast. I mean I already wrote a song about her and she didn’t even get a boyfriend yet. Really jumped the gun on this one.
Jess Urban is the female Greg Dor. I swear that’s meant to be a compliment.
Remember that time Ellen put a curse on me?? My broken finger definitely does.
Have you ever really stopped and thought about the fact that Alicia Keys WILLINGLY has sex with Swizz Beats?? What the fuck is wrong with the universe?
Gonna have to sober some of you up: If I call you boo, compliment your outfit, call you beautiful, ask you to hang out, or make sustained eye contact it does not mean I want to penetrate you, it may just mean I think you’re worth my attention. Please don’t prove me wrong.
Jay was really right: Nas really does average one hot album every ten years.
Shorty told me she Googled me. I’d like nothing more than to return the favor.
So we all just gonna pretend like we don’t know Wiz Khalifa’s a lesbian, huh? Okay.
Now and forever, it’s Abby Wambach over errrthang.
I’ve come to a decision. Next month I will be taking my talents to Team iPhone. So long, Cleveland (and by Cleveland I mean BlackBerry)
Why is it when you read something negative you assume it’s been written about you? Shoe fit? Self-esteem that low? Bored? Or are you just kinda hoping that it’s about you? I guess the real question is who’s got the answers?
…my guess would be Ellen’s little Greatness voodoo doll.
It has come to my attention that many of you are questioning the legitimacy of the Lunch With Greatness Sweepstakes selection process. I’ll have you know that the winners are selected at random by a panel of esteemed judges consisting of myself and other high ranking officials within my power circle (…Tiger) Good luck to all future entrants. I hope that one day you too can win lunch with The Last Emperor.
FACT: My mother was originally going to name me Claude Gedeon. At the last minute she decided to go with Gregory Dor.
Matt Fay is a man’s man.
Guilt will make a bitch text you the darndest things.
The fact that I can openly make a pass at another man’s woman in front of a room full of people and then accept his sorry ass friend request the next day is what makes me an Emperor. Holla.
And by the by, at least Pit Stop had enough sense to not friend request me. Probably did some trolling but at least had enough pride to not request me. Good for you, Pit Stop. Hope all is well.
FACT: I have a job and Jess Urban doesn’t. 2012 is all fucked up.
A few months ago I made the decision to only date girls within the ages of 20-22. See the problem is the older hoes think they deserve better and have expectations and shit which is just ridiculous. Young hoes ain’t about all that and, therefore, are ten times smarter. This is all science, by the way. Look it up.
I know a man named Ryan Franklin McHugh. He is, what most people would consider, a groupie.
FACT: I’ve kissed about 67% of all my female friends.
DOUBLE FACT: Julie Tracy was the best out of all of you.
I know what you did last summer. I’m willing to bet your boyfriend doesn’t.
Fedor finally retired which officially makes me the last Last Emperor. Congratulations on a great career, champ.
Apologies don’t have to be forgiven and every sin doesn’t come with an opportunity for redemption. Choices have consequences, deal with it.
Why date Mike when you could date Vinny?? Vinny has a beard.
Two words every woman will misuse at least once every argument: “Mean” and “Literally.” Three words every man will misuse at least once during an argument: “I love you.”
Jerry Vedrine pulled up in front of my house in his Beamer. You should’ve seen how impressed he was when he saw my Prius.
If you post more than one status update a day you should probably use Twitter. If you like to be reminded of how much you actually hate all your friends and see how many pictures Annemarie George can post of herself in a day, you should use Facebook :)
FACT: Liz Campbell is the single most sane girl I know and she sleeps with a goddam screwdriver under her pillow. Says a lot about the rest of you, broads.
R.I.P Chris Benoit. Always and forever.
Every song I’ve ever written about a woman has secretly been about Gina Fugazzotto. Don’t believe me?? I’ll prove it. “Side of the Road” was about the time we had to pull the car over in JP to change Danielle’s diaper. “The Red Effect” was about the time Gina did her hair and it came out red instead of just the auburn highlites she wanted. “Kiss You Goodbye” is about the time I kissed her at my CD release party. “Dinner With Ellen” was about the time Gina got upset with me ‘cause she asked me to come over and watch a movie and instead I went out with Ellen. And “Drive You Home” is about the time we drove to Griffin’s house together and he accused Gina of being a cheating harlot. Facts are facts, people.
…there, does that make everyone feel less special now??
FACT: By the time you read this I will have already proposed to Laura Wareing….and written a song about how Gina isn’t taking the news well.
FACT: Every girl I’ve met through Amanda has made it into at least one Gregism. You can all now blame her for the horrible embarrassment I’ve put you through over the years.
When I was 6 years old I hit two free throws late in the game to help my CYO team win the championship. That may honestly be the last time I hit two consecutive free throws in my life.
I would bet my life that at some point during their time together in Green Bay, Brett Favre sent Aaron Rodgers pictures of his dick; Either as an old man who doesn’t know how to operate a cell phone or to let Rodgers know he’ll never be the man Favre is. In any event, Rodgers has seen his little Favre.
A real friend would never…(I received a text message this morning that made it impossible for me to finish this sentence without feeling at least a little guilty. But mark my words, the day will come when I finish this thought in a public forum.)
When I was 13 I wrote my first song about a girl who had hurt my feelings…but it would not be the last…
Take the number of people you’ve slept with, multiply it by your age. Add 10 for every break up you’ve ever had. Subtract one if you’ve ever been cheated on. I’m not sure what any of this is suppose to prove but I hope you feel bad about yourself now.
When I was 14 my “girlfriend” stood me up outside of Tedeschis. A week later I was in bed with her best friend. Two days later they were asking me if I’d be cool with them sharing me. The morale of this story is how in the FUCKIEST OF FUCKSSSS was I better with bitches at 14 than I am at 26??!!
Do people really still go on Black Planet?? Dammmmmnnnnnn.
When I was 15 I met a man named Ryan Franklin McHugh. And so began one of the greatest love stories ever told…
I am now officially that old guy who plays basketball with young guys to try to prove to himself he’s not an old guy. My hip really hurts.
When I was 19 I went on a date with a girl who was 9 months pregnant. She told her baby-daddy she was staying late at work. The chicken parm was sub-par at best.
Somewhere…in the world right now…there is a child saying, “When I grow up I wanna be like Waka Flocka Flame.” The children are NOT our future.
Everyone knows at least 3 rappers. Think about it, you know me, right? I bet you can name at least two other people you know who rap.
But let’s not kid ourselves, I’m your favorite :)
When I was 20 I walked out of my job. It was the first time I ever walked out of a job…but it would not be the last…
What Rick Ross lacks in talent he makes up for with ambition…and weight.
When I was 22 Melissa and I developed our own top secret handshake.
Floyd Mayweather got $32 million to show up for one night of work, regardless of his performance. You know, maybe I wouldn’t keep walking out of jobs if I got offered that kind of payday.
When I was 25 I got fired for the first time. They fired me because I called out to have dinner with a girl named Ellen. Yes, that Ellen. Yeah, I know, I know…
And, by the way…Ash interrupting the Packers game > Ellen interrupting the Brock fight. I should probably give up on this whole trying to enjoy sports thing.
FACT: No woman can resist a man in a Prius. Its like shooting fish in a barrel.
R.I.P Junior Seau. Thanks for the memories.
Every May 8th we come together to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior, the Patron Saint of the Pipebomb, the Holiest of Homewreckers, the Million Dollar Milf Hunter, The Slayer of Significant Others, Greatness Gregory Dor. Remember, on this day it is your duty to go out into the world, live up to your potential, and be as great as you can be. You owe it to yourselves. Happy Greatness Day!
When I was 26 I posted a set of Gregisms. You read them. So far so good, 26.
This isn’t a real Gregism, it’s just a hologram. The views and opinions expressed in this post are solely those of Hologram Greatness and do not necessarily reflect those of Greg Dor.
I don’t see what the big deal is. Mel Gibson’s just sayin’ what we’re all thinking, right??
If I really loved crazy girls the way y’all think I love crazy girls I would’ve PROPOSED to Dina by now. That girl gets my motor runnin’.
Next time I’m at the Middle East I’m performing with a Kurt Cobain hologram.
FACT: You cringe when someone says, “You’re in his Gregisms.”
We all know damn well Drake probably shit his pants when he saw the Tupac hologram.
In ten years Boston sports got everything we’ve ever wanted and now we are being horribly punished for our greed. May God have mercy on us all.
The girl who’s usually the most vocal about how much she hates bitches that start drama is probably the bitch most likely to start a whole shit pile of drama. Trust me, I’ve already dated her.
If Kanye West was a basketball player he’d be Russel Westbrook.
If Russel Westbrook was a rapper he’d be Kobe Bryant.
FACT: Anna owes me chicken alfredo…
DOUBLE FACT: No pretty white girl should ever offer a black man free food. It’s like feeding the neighbor’s cat.
Ellen DeGeners + Justin Timberlake = Justin Bieber.
Shout out to Pat Summit. 38 years of keepin’ bitches in check. Those are Hefner numbers.
If Sallie Mae finds out what I’ve been spending on dates lately we’re probably just gonna have to add alimony in with my student loans every month. I’m sorry boo boo, I swear I’ll change.
When Hologram Biggie comes out I really hope him and Hologram Pac put out a Hologram Watch the Throne album.
We all have an Ellen in our lives. Mine just happens to actually be named Ellen.
Miesha Tate and I are meant to be together and until she shows up at one of my shows with her boyfriend I will continue to believe I’ve got a shot.
Rihanna is one dumb ass bitch…and I hope you ain’t waitin’ for me to say anything clever ‘cause there ain’t no punchline to this shit. Rihanna is one dumb ass bitch.
Mobb Deep are beefing via Twitter. Pretty safe to say Gangsta Rap is dead. Long live Hologram Gangsta Rap.
Every night I go to sleep with clothes on. Every morning I wake up butt-ass naked…THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY DREAMS??
What do you think is collecting more dust, Lil Wayne’s guitar or Lil’ Wayne’s skateboard??
Honest to God, that video game commercial where the Cubs win the World Series brings a tear to my eye. Those poor bastards.
Why didn’t anyone tell me there’s a new Chevelle album???
Y’all see my boo boo Abby Wambach givin’ bitches the death stare in that Gatorade commercial?? I swear if she wasn’t a raging lesbian I’d date her.
FACT: White boys love Young Jeezy
I wish the Patriots would sign Hologram Randy Moss. He’d probably still have more touchdowns than Ochocinco.
Ryan Seacrest gonna be mad as shit when he finds out Hologram Dick Clark is hosting New Year’s.
Alanis Morissette married a rapper. Can’t help but feel I missed the boat on that one :(
“Let It Die” may be my favorite Foo Fighters song not named “Everlong”.
Dear Hobson Street, it’s come to my attention that you tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone. You are a cheater and a fraud, your victory over me is an absolute fraud, and if I hadn’t already commited to going elsewhere, I’d come back and kick your ass biatch. Word to Brock Lesnar.
Thank God that was just a hologram, otherwise I’d be in TROUBLEEEEEE.
Seriously, ask yourself why you’re reading this?? What good will come from you reading this?? Are you looking for something?? Are you hiding from something?? Yeah, that’s where this is headed so brace yourself…
Anyways, how ‘bout those Bruins, huh?
The DDT is the greatest finish of all time. It’s sudden, impactful, it’s believable, and it serves as a great metaphor for life: It’s a short ride with a bad landing. The DDT is the end.
Shout out to errrbody at the shows wearing those GRV YRD shirts. You guys keep it up and the next batch of shirts you get may actually come with vowels.
My cat just turned 16. That’s 84 in cat years. Why am I surprised when he doesn’t make it to the litter box?! Happy Birthday, Tiger!
My mother thinks Alice in Chains’ “No Excuses” and Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day” are the same song. She may just be as out of it as the damn cat.
The Lunch With Greatness Sweepstakes is the best idea I’ve ever accidentally come up with. It’s also the most rigged contest on Earth.
If I had a nickel for every time Ash texted me before 9am I’d have enough money to buy a Red Bull to get me through the day.
I’m at that point in recording the album where I begin to fear that bathing will ruin my creative energy.
If I had a nickel for every boyfriend that hated me, I’d have 5 cents and zero fucks to give.
I went out with six different white girls in the span of about three weeks and spent a total of $100. I had one lunch date with a black girl and dropped $140. THIS IS WHY I DATE WHITE WOMEN. :)
I will forever associate the McRib sandwhich with Amy Dolan…and that is very unfortunate.
The original title of “Chicago On Fire” was “Werdum’s Triangle.” I’ll wait for you to Google it….
Got it? Cool.
Whatever the opposite of the Midas touch is, that is what I have.
If I had a nickel for every time a girl asked me if something I wrote online was about her I’d have enough to take a black girl out to lunch.
Sorry I don’t watch Walking Dead.
I love that I still have to explain to people where the name Layne Cobain comes from.
Tebow to the Jets…God damn.
Tiger Woods finally got a win. I wonder if that means he’s back to plowin’ through skanky bitches?
(This line has been removed to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.)
FACT: I have seriously considered a career in MMA.
I don’t call any of my friends, I often miss their events and engagements, I write insanely personal songs about all of them, they typically have to pay a $10 cover charge to even come close to socializing with me, and I get really irritated when they ask me questions regarding anything. But I’ve never NOT been there for any last one of them. Welcome to friendship with Greg Dor.
I figured it out. It’s Hobson Street. Hobson Street is my Alistair Overeem.
FACT: Laura Wareing and I are meant to be together.
If I had a nickel for every time I said I missed Melissa I’d have enough money to pay Melissa’s salary and finally have her back.
This last attempt at courtship was a lot like the DDT. It was sudden, impactful, it was believable, and it’s probably best described much like the DDT: It was a short ride with a bad landing. The end.
Did you find what you were looking for?
Dear Womenz: When you have a good guy standing in front of you: He listens, he’s there for you, doesn’t try to pressure you into getting physical, PLEASE don’t bother putting him through your ridiculous series of “tests.” His head’s probably still spinning from the last broad’s exams.
In the last eight months I’ve been through four awful break ups without a single girlfriend to show for it. Sounds like an SAT question, doesn’t it?
Jack White went solo on that ass but it’s still the same.
Limp Bizkit signed to Cash Money. Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Sometimes, when no one is around, I sing Dido songs to myself.
Carlos Condit is the Greg Dor of MMA.
Layne Cobain, The Last Emperor, The Instant Classic, Dorchester Fedor, The Block Captain, The Champ, G.Dor, The Nightmare, Heroin Greg, The Graveyard General, The Straight Edge Superstar, The Great One…but you can call me Nu School.
I’m mad late but The Weeknd is awesome.
Who would’ve guessed Bobby would’ve lived longer?? Me, that’s who. That bitch was cray.
Miesha Tate over errrthang <3
FACT: All Green Day songs (pre-American Idiot) sound exactly the same.
FACT: All Green Day songs (post-American Idiot) fucking suck.
Go to YouTube and look up Alyssa Marie. I have a crush on her.
Eli Manning is my El Guapo.
I would have to guess that Chris Brown may have won that first round on the judges’ score cards, he did a lot of damage from short range, but I expect Rihanna to really pick up the pace in this second round, work the jab, and try to finish this thing once and for all.
When I’m interested in a girl I refer to her as “Baby” and all other women as “Hey, you.”
Boylston St. is my Shane Carwin. Comm Ave. is my Cain Velazquez. I don’t even wanna know which goddam street will be Overeem, I’m staying in the house from now on.
When Amanda and I record a song together she comes over, gets in the vocal booth, yells at me, stomps her feet, snorts, and then leaves. Two weeks later she’s on a hit record. She clearly has a better grasp on the music biz than I do.
I had a young lady write a song about me. So to Erin, Jen, Mel, Ash, Lisa and all the others, congrats: I finally got a taste of my own medicine :)
I can’t decide who has made me more bitter: The Celts or the Sox.
FACT: When I’m on stage and I randomly crack a smile during an un-funny part of a song, it’s typically because I’m thinking in my head “Damn, there’s a lot of fine ass white women in this crowd. Good job, Me.”
My pornstar name is Tiger Sheffield. I officially have my plan B if this whole music thing doesn’t pan out.
Metal Pam yells at me regarding my choice in women. The real question is why the fuck am I taking relationship advice from Metal Pam??!
I asked Cousin Mike if I should get a Tumblr. He asked, “What are we tumbling?” I love my Cousin Mike.
I’d like to give a big shout out to everyone secretly sleeping with someone and still trying to convince themselves that all their friends haven’t found out already. Old news, no one cares who’s in your box anymore, baby :)
From now on I DEMAND to be known as Greggy The Boyfriend Slayer.
I am the Matt Cassel of boyfriends: I come off the bench, get the team through a tough time, and then get shipped off to Kansas City ‘cause apparently I’m not worth keeping around once the other guy’s in the picture. Dammit :(
My friend Anna asked me if my song “Chicago On Fire” was about The Great Chicago Fire. I then explained that it wasn’t, it was about a girl from Maine who lives in Boston. Silly Anna.
“Somebody That I Used to Know” isn’t as good as you want to believe it is…but it’s still pretty good.
Shout out to being the guy they love but never fall in love with. It’s a tough job but some jackass has to do it.
Goodnight, Chicago. Stay warm. Goodnight, Maine. We’ll be in touch. Goodnight, Punk. Thanks for the gimmick.